Skip to main content

The One Where The Heart Is Torn Into Tiny Itsy Bitsy Pieces

 
By local crushed blogger.

This is nothing new. 26 years of marriage to the one. And I had to go screw it up. Am I sorry. I only regret it every other day of the year. So yeah. 

After that happened, I told myself that I'm not going to put myself out there. Too old to play that game if you know what I mean. Funny what 4 years of living in a tiny one room studio apartment can do to you. Being alone sucks worse than being scared to play the game again.

The game went surprisingly well. You could maybe say it went spectacularly. Before you know it, I find myself in a Relationship. She was younger than me and that brought a totally different dynamic. If the two of you agree it's not a problem, then who cares what others think right? We watched movies she had never seen. I listened to music I would have never given the time of day to. It went on despite the age difference. We were totally compatible. We talked all the time. I totally opened up to her. As the relationship progressed, it just kept getting better by the day. In my pessimism, I couldn't help but think "when is the other shoe going to drop?" And it never did.

Until yesterday, out the blue it's done, over, Fini', just like that. I will not bore you with the details other than this was one of the first Relationships that didn't end because of me. Still, it hurts. Now I'm cursed with the "First 10 seconds of the morning" syndrome. You know it, or you are lucky if you don't, that time of the morning after fitful sleep when you FIRST wake up and with hope and relief you tell yourself it was all a bad dream, and everything is still alright. Then when you have almost convinced yourself, ten seconds pass and whole 'Crush Your Heart Into Tiny Little Pieces' realization process begins anew. This is bad enough if it were a one-time thing, but NO let's do it every day of the week. I don't know a more apt definition of vicious cycle than this.

So, back to the lonely 1 room studio apartment. No matter how it ended, I miss her, and the time we had. Like, bad. Let the cruel relationship cycle begin its orbit in my head. It sucks being alone, If I put myself out there am I just gonna get crushed again etc.  Rinse and Repeat. So right now, I'm gonna go with the lonely option, because the scared to put yourself out there option seems worse right now.


I guess I shouldn't complain. At least I have those beautiful first ten seconds of the morning.....

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"..for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself." Jessamyn West I have raised a retard. I swear to God, the things he says and thought processes that flow through his brain never cease to amaze me. Early on in this Blog, I promoted the idea of trying to give your kids more than you had. Don't force them to work during their early high school years and instead let them enjoy their summers unencumbered. As that dickhead Dr. Phil says, " how'd that work out for ya?" I have ended up with an unappreciative individual that is not even remotely ready for the real world. What a slap in the face that will be, standing on his own two feet. I know, I know, I reap what I sow, but that what blog is for isn't it, anonymous venting?? His outrageously expensive school, has a relatively relaxed cel phone policy. You can have you phone, and actually use it in between classes. Just don't use it during class. Kinna obvious don't you think? He come...
2 comments
Read more
Ralphing Kisses After reading my buddy Escapes post about his faithful dog Maynard, it seems a good time for a dog story. The day before Christmas Eve, we had decided to go out to eat. I had started gathering the candy that I was going to put in the stockings and had left it on the corner of the end table out of site. Or so I thought. When we returned from dinner, I notice little bits of what looked like aluminum foil around the house. I followed the trail until it ended directly under the Christmas tree. There sat an empty bag ( a ONE pound bag mind you) of Hershey Kisses. Shaye the Weenie dog, well into her 10th year had eaten a pound of chocolate in our absence. She was also nowhere to be seen. Anytime we return to the house and she didn’t greet you at the door wagging her tail is a bad sign. It usually meant she did something she knew she would get in trouble for and was firmly entrenched under the back corner of the bed, her favorite hiding spot. She was there,...
5 comments
Read more
" And summer's lease hath all too short a date. " William Shakespeare Where did the time go? I have a 14 year old in the midst of enjoying his summer break, and it makes me pine for that two month vacation of youth. Why couldn't someone have sat me down and said, "look, these summers don't last forever. Savor every single care free minute of them. Stay up until two in the morning every night. Get up and ten. Enjoy it every bit, because once they are gone, they don't come back. You will never again experience these days unencumbered by pressure. Sure, you'll take vacations, and if your lucky, you won't start worrying about the real life traumas that await your return at least until the second day of your so called vacation. But this, you will never experience again." But no one told me that. Instead my asshole father wondered why the hell I was sleeping all day, and why I didn't do anything he considered productive. Only wi...
4 comments
Read more