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The One Where The Heart Is Torn Into Tiny Itsy Bitsy Pieces

 
By local crushed blogger.

This is nothing new. 26 years of marriage to the one. And I had to go screw it up. Am I sorry. I only regret it every other day of the year. So yeah. 

After that happened, I told myself that I'm not going to put myself out there. Too old to play that game if you know what I mean. Funny what 4 years of living in a tiny one room studio apartment can do to you. Being alone sucks worse than being scared to play the game again.

The game went surprisingly well. You could maybe say it went spectacularly. Before you know it, I find myself in a Relationship. She was younger than me and that brought a totally different dynamic. If the two of you agree it's not a problem, then who cares what others think right? We watched movies she had never seen. I listened to music I would have never given the time of day to. It went on despite the age difference. We were totally compatible. We talked all the time. I totally opened up to her. As the relationship progressed, it just kept getting better by the day. In my pessimism, I couldn't help but think "when is the other shoe going to drop?" And it never did.

Until yesterday, out the blue it's done, over, Fini', just like that. I will not bore you with the details other than this was one of the first Relationships that didn't end because of me. Still, it hurts. Now I'm cursed with the "First 10 seconds of the morning" syndrome. You know it, or you are lucky if you don't, that time of the morning after fitful sleep when you FIRST wake up and with hope and relief you tell yourself it was all a bad dream, and everything is still alright. Then when you have almost convinced yourself, ten seconds pass and whole 'Crush Your Heart Into Tiny Little Pieces' realization process begins anew. This is bad enough if it were a one-time thing, but NO let's do it every day of the week. I don't know a more apt definition of vicious cycle than this.

So, back to the lonely 1 room studio apartment. No matter how it ended, I miss her, and the time we had. Like, bad. Let the cruel relationship cycle begin its orbit in my head. It sucks being alone, If I put myself out there am I just gonna get crushed again etc.  Rinse and Repeat. So right now, I'm gonna go with the lonely option, because the scared to put yourself out there option seems worse right now.


I guess I shouldn't complain. At least I have those beautiful first ten seconds of the morning.....

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